As far as planets go, in astrology, Saturn is said to be malefic. It is considered slow and cold, on account of its distance from the sun, and its namesake. Saturn is known for its limiting restrictions, for frustrating people through delay, lack of lucky breaks, and isolation. It is common to hear people with even a passing interest in astrology bring up the subject of their Saturn Return with apprehension or exasperation. In this post, I am not going to write at any length about Saturn. That post would require more of me than I have to give at this time. But I did want to raise these Saturnian associations in contrast to this post’s title in gratitude for the gifts of Saturn, and in acknowledgement and recognition of them as I make my way through days in this space.
In my natal chart, Saturn sits comfortably in the second house, continually teaching me about the difference between needs and strategies, continually reinforcing new and creative understandings of the meaning of fair exchange. Saturn shares a house with my north note, and enjoys a grand trine to Chiron in the tenth, conjunct my midheaven, and Mercury, conjunct my vertex in the sixth. This three way conversation is between the Earth signs. Also, in my natal chart, I have eight planetary bodies and asteroids in the two signs of Saturn’s rulers[p, including Mercury, Sun, and Mars in Capricorn in the sixth. Do not worry if you do not know what any of these things mean. It is my intention to do a much more thorough treatment of the alphabet of astrology (houses, planets, signs) and the sorts of conversations they have (aspects) thought this project. It’s just that now is not the time.
I share this information about my natal chart because, if you do know a little about astrology, you’ll see that I have many compelling reasons not only to begrudgingly accept, as all humans do, some form of Saturn, or the principles he represents, the disciplines he tasks us to develop, but to recognize that, for me, the way of Saturn is something to celebrate; that the work of Saturn is the only way forward for me.
Among other things: Saturn asks both patience and diligence.
In her rich treatment of the ringed planet Saturn: A new look at an old devil, Liz Greene writes, “Saturn symbolizes a psychic process as well as a quality of kind of experience. He is not merely a representative of pain, restriction, and discipline; he is also a symbol of the psychic process, natural to all human beings, by which an individual may utilize the experiences of pain, restriction, and discipline as a means for greater consciousness and fulfillment. […] Saturn is connected with the educational value of pain and with the difference between external values — those which we acquire from others — and internal values — those which we have worked to discover within ourselves.”
Put another way, Saturn is what we are dealing with when we don’t know what to do about something that requires a response but merits one and often elicits a reaction instead.
I am going through a divorce right now. I have been for the last three years. There is no sense in getting into the details, but I will say, I am sitting with a weight of responsibility that is in an exponential relationship with uncertainty, and that is causing considerable pain. I don’t know quite what to do about it, and, frankly, there is nothing to be done on my side but to wait and see what will happen next. To do that and to manage all the other parts of my life. No. Not to manage the other parts of my life…simply to live this whole and integrated life, where pain can exist beside pleasure and banality and sadness and hope and exhilaration and fear. How can I do all these things all together?
Saturn says: The work is the way. Saturn says: One thing after another. Saturn says: Do what needs to be done. Saturn says: Be mindful of your resources.
Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. It was pretty routine, just checking in on the genders. But, of course, that included checking in with my life in general. Sometimes I leave therapy feeling snug together with myself, and sometimes I leave feeling like there is an amount to work with; which is a fairly conservative way of saying: a swirl of pieces. Today, although I was fairly in check (read: functional), by the time I got home from the hospital, I realized that this appointment was more of the latter. I asked myself, what is at risk of draining here, if I do nothing, and the sense I got was that my life-force was standing at the edge…that’s the best way I know how to say that. Not my life, just the energy that is required to participate to some degree or another. What are the things my life-force needs? Nourishment, rest, love, exercise, meditation…. All things that can be difficult to do in the swirl.
But, by some grace of Saturn, I had taken care of many of those things today. After my appointment, I walked up to the apartment, began listening to the Emily Wilson translation of Homer’s Odyssey, cleaned the kitchen, cooked myself a simple but beautiful meal, enjoyed every bite of it. I connected with someone beloved to my heart, who is having a dumpster fire of a shame spiral. I noticed that my feeling still felt like glass and so, rather than watching something on the computer, I decided to take the time to write this post, instead of simply imagining that I wrote it because who-cares-no-one-knows-this-blog-exists-anyway. My human person who lives here came home, we had a conversation that was both good and difficult, and now I am finishing this.
I am aware of my feelings, but they are not taking up all of my lung space now.
Nothing has changed about my life, but I feel okay. A bit tired, but solvent.
It is easy to be hard on Saturn, after all, he is pretty hard on us. It is easy to think on him as cold and angular and rigid and intolerant. I mean, the guy does carry a scythe. He is the original cut and dry. But sometimes, when I imagine him, I imagine him as I imagine myself. In all the work of sowing and growing and reaping, there is a part of him that is soft and tender. Something at the centre that he can allow through the voice and tone. Someone that says: I know it hurts. You can go a little further. Just go a little further. A few more steps. Just chop the onions and heat the oil. Yes, like that. Take the time it takes for you to do what needs to be done. Yes, that’s the way. And then he fades. It’s just me, now, and the cutting board. I look to my hands, and the leather they are becoming. I see in them a gift from Saturn.
Io! Io! Io!
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